I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
