If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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