I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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