Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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