remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux