i need an iv and a liver transplant
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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