the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
