Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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