and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
