i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
