No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
