According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
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I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
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Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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