another moral hangover. fuck.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
