last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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