I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
