My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
