you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
