He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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