Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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