My girlfriend figured out who you are.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
