I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
