I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
