in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
