And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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