Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
false alarm, still single
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
