Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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