I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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