he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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