I met the friendliest cop last night
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
