all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
