mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
