Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
