By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
