The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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