drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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