my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
