I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
