my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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