Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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