And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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