My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
