Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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