I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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