I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
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Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
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She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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