connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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