I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
