Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
