Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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