I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
