Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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