New invention idea: vibrating tampons
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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