Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
it's not cheating when I paid for it
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
