shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
