No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
