ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
