You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
